My sessions with my Guru were always the highlights of my day. The wisdom in those sessions was not just quenching my spiritual thirst but also helped me reignite my mojo for life itself. As usual, I did not know what we’ll be talking about, whether there was going to be another Aha moment or perhaps moments! But I knew how the world seemed different every time I walked out of my Guru’s teaching pad. When one truly starts integrating wisdom into daily living through mindfulness, the world does start to look very different. Adversities become opportunities. I could see that my perceptions were changing, my awareness was expanding and I had started feeling more grateful for this experience called Life – despite all the ups and downs.
After the usual greetings and catch up, my Guru asked me a simple question – “if you have 5 bucks with you, how much can you give?” I said, “5 obviously”. He smiled graciously and then continued, “you are right Rashmi! Even if you had the intention of giving 10, could you have given 10? You could only give 5, because you only have 5.” He paused, and then looked at me with immense depthness in his eyes and asked – “If you don’t have love and acceptance for yourself, how can you love and accept the other?”
I took a while to process what he had just said. In simple words, it was mind boggling for me. The room was filled with silence, and as I went within, I felt a burst of energy in my heart. Sensing the shift in my energy, he then continued and said, “We cannot give to others what we do not have.”
There it was – my Aha moment! A part of me, my mind specifically wanted to simply question and dismiss what I had just heard and counter it. I was always taught that it is selfish to put oneself first. I could not believe that something that was ingrained in me since my childhood was false. Yet deep down, the bigger part of me knew this and there was not even an iota of doubt about the truthfulness of the statement – We cannot give to others what we don’t have. However, giving into the logically trained mind, I did ask , “then why are we taught that it is selfish to put ourselves first and that it is not the right thing to do?”
Little did I know then, that my Guru’s reply to my question would redirect and set a new course for my life. This one session alone would change the lens with which I used to look at myself. With a faint smile on his face, he continued, “When we fly in the aircraft, as part of the safety instructions, we are told that in case the air pressure drops, put on your oxygen mask first and then help others. This is because, we would never be in a position to help the other passenger, gasping for oxygen ourselves. So, why do you think it is selfish to have love and acceptance for oneself first and what aspect makes it selfish?”
We all want to be happy. We all crave for love and acceptance. All our actions are driven to satiate this basic desire of happiness and love. But we have very little of both love and acceptance for ourselves. We get angry at ourselves for not being good enough, we put labels on ourselves as failed when the outcomes do not align with our expectations, we get frustrated at little or big road blocks that come our way, we spend decades of our precious life promoting the feeling of discontentment, feeling saddened by the actions of the other, believing the labels other people stick on us making them our identity, continue holding on to all the emotional baggage or garbage like a prized possession. We depend on other people to show their love, compassion and care in order to arrive at and derive our value. And we expect this from those who are in reality in the same boat as us. Who have been passed on the same old ineffective and inefficient way of living with self-limiting beliefs. Who have been passed on the same belief system of self-doubt, seeking approval of other people to define their self-worth. We expect compassion and love from those, who have very little of self-compassion and self-love for themselves. When we expand our perspective we realize that our external battles are nothing but a reflection of our inner battles. Our society, our world is nothing but a reflection of who we have become – less compassionate and less loving. A polluted mind pollutes the entire environment. Hunger, wars, crimes, racism, climate change, air pollution, water pollution, reckless killing of animals, mining and the equal recklessness with which we promote mindless consumerism is all a reflection of how our current inner state of being is.
The only way we can reverse and redirect ourselves into sustainable development and living is by reinforcing self-love and self-compassion. And to explain what self-love and self-compassion means I put forth before you this story from one of the talks of the world-famous Buddhist Monk Ajahn Brahm. The story goes like this:
Seven monks lived a holy life in a cave on top of a mountain, largely unknown to the people in the surrounding villages. The seven monks consisted of a Head monk, his best friend, his brother, his enemy, a very old monk, a very sick monk, and a useless monk – who never did any of his chores and never remembered the chants, but who the other monks kept on as part of their ‘sangha’ ( a close circle of people who have a similar value system) to teach them patience and compassion. One day, a band of robbers discovered the cave and saw immediately that it would be a perfect place to hide out, as well as store their loot. To get to the cave, however, they would have to murder the monks. They didn’t want them going down into the valley and informing the villagers about the robbers’ whereabouts. So, they stormed the cave, grabbed the monks by their robes and prepared to kill them. The Head monk, like most head monks, was a good talker. He spoke to the head robber at length and, after much negotiation, he persuaded the leader to spare the monks’ lives. The leader, however, had a caveat. He would kill one monk as a warning to the other six not to divulge the robbers’ location and it was now up to The Head monk to choose which one must die”.
After he had got this far in the story, Ajahn Brahm asked the audience who they thought should die?
Some people from the audience said since the Head monk is the leader of the pack, he would have offered his own head, few others said the enemy, few said useless monk, few said the sick monk since he is going to die in any case, a few said the very old monk since his end could have been soon as well.
Continuing with the story, Ajahn Brahm said that the correct answer was none. The Head monk could not choose from the seven of them, because he equally valued his life as that of his brother – not more nor less, he equally valued his life as that of his best friend – not more nor less, he equally valued his life as that of his enemy – not more nor less, he equally valued his life as that of the sick monk – not more nor less, he equally valued his life as that of the very old monk – not more nor less and he valued his life as that of the useless monk – not more nor less.”
The lesson of the story being that we must love another person not more or less than ourselves, but as ourselves. This was the very message given by Christ when he said, Love thy neighbour as thyself.
The entire concept of service before self is misguided and misplaced. What it really means is that strengthen yourself first, so that you can then serve others. Put on your oxygen mask first in order to help others. Value ourselves first, so that we can offer the same value to others. Have integrity towards ourselves first so that we can offer the same to another. Have honesty towards ourselves first so that we can then offer the same to the other. Have authenticity towards ourselves first so that we can then be authentic before others. It is only when we can respect our own lives, feel truly grateful for what we have been blessed with, that day we will genuinely start caring about not just our family, or our community or our nation but the entire planet with all its flora and fauna and all its beauty. That day, Mother Earth would truly become our HOME and we would become One with the Universe. The wellness of our family, community, nation, planet begins with US.